If you need more time to yourself, take it. Shows you don't accept their judgemental BS. Don't be embarrassed about any of that stuff, everyone knows now so just own it. Especially with the "gay" things they do. What she did was just bottom of the barrel type of shit. If you don't care about your partner enough to defend them when they aren't there, why the fuck are you even with them? Your wife have no sense of conjugality. And sometimes we have to forgive stupid people because we love them anyway. You are not overreacting. I dont air out our dirty laundry for anyone else to see, especially when it comes to sex. First, you did not overreact, this is a huge violation of your trust. Look beyond her faux Pas and look at the positives and what you enjoy. She told her friends some of your kinks gross her out, and then told them she fantasizes about her ex-boyfriend while you fuck her. And her dissing your sexual needs to her friends and I truly understand that it was very hurtful and disrespectful to you and your marriage. Be kind anyway. The trust cannot be restored and it would be better to separate for now. Sending you my best OP. Bisexuality is valid. You are going to have to shrug this off but your not overacting. Of course she's only sorry she got caught but think about it, how many times they've been making fun of you from their girls night outs? They were basically talking about me (no one contacts me anymore, just my wife to commend her on how loyal she is despite having a douchebag loser husband), and I overheard her agreeing with the person on the phone. Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. thats some foul behaviour. Or do you think Ive misunderstood? My wife and I always have a number one rule at the foundation of our relationship: never say a bad word about each other to anyone else. She should have told you from the beginning that she let it slip and stood up for you to her friends. I can't stress enough how important it was that you didn't let this fester and at the same time you removed yourself from the situation to give yourself time to sort out your feelings. P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya. She swears she does love our sex life and the things we do and is sorry. Wife: " (my name) I dunno what your heard but it's not what" Me: " (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard." I turned around and stormed off to our room. If everything else is great, and she is genuinely remorseful, and willing to work on your relationship, I don't see why you should write off your life together. My only advice is to give it time. You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. If it was truly a complete accident, she wouldn't continue joking about it with them. That was 100% a choice on her part. One friend asked her if she considered it and she said yes but ultimately she chose to stay with me because I made her happy and treated her better. I guess the guy was too close or something because my wife again told him that he was drunk and should go back to the group. No true friend will stab you in the back. Humanity is an ocean. I only started being a little open about it when I moved 3 states away from them and was dating a supportive partner. Mom and boy 22:56. Everyone doesnt wAnt an asshole who This is now twice that she has blabbed something intensely personal while intoxicatedthat you know about. There are plenty things I could talk about my girlfriend and make fun of her for it to my mates, but I dont because what happens between us stays between us. There's a lot that isn't adding up about her explanation to you. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? This is a huge betrayal and should not be minimised by either of you. No pun intended. I think you did the right thing by leaving that night, although blowing up the party that was might not have been the best idea. I couldn't stop laughing at the first sentence in your comment. But I also feel like it's a betrayal you can come back from. She forced him out, and its time for her to join him. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). No partner with a shred of empathy or decency would value the opinions of their friends over their partner's wellbeing. Just remember she was crying because she was caught. Clearly and simply. Ugh. Would she throw them under the bus too or try to forbid them from coming out? 2. There is no combination of words that will make all this just go away. Would she have ever stood up for you and put her friends in place? My step-dad said, "I feel like I always have to watch what I have to say, and I shouldn't have to worry about . I 100% understand why you're so upset. It's not a secret, kept in a fault. Seems like she might have played along a little too much to sound cool to her friends. Here are some of my favorite quotes (I collect them). And also, alcohol intake needs to be curtailed. Your wife really messed up. Both were pretty against it and kind of gave me a hard time about trying it with my husband and even liking it. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. Names have been changed. This makes me so angry I'm having a hard time putting it into words. One of the things they dont tell you about relationships is that you gotta be able to stand up for your SO when the time comesso even if OPs wife doesnt actually believe all that and bent to peer pressure, that really sucks and Im sorry she feels that way with her friends, but she shouldnt be surprised if she loses her husband. I learned that it is usually a sign of people not sharing everything, not saying that is your situation, but she violated your trust and didnt even give you the courtesy of giving you the heads up. Otoh keeping this secret is what gives it power - power over you. . You're not overreacting at all. Hopefully, she falls into a better crowd that is modern and accepting. And what the fuck do you expect?? She tells my wife that Tom is still handsome as ever (this doesnt bother me, I feel im just as good looking) and they all give a little chuckle before my wife says something that floored me.Tom had reached out to her right before we got married and wanted her to get back together with him. This seems to be an unpopular opinion, but I kind of agree with you. I would be trembling with furious anger and wouldn't be able to face her with the same amount of trust for a long, long while after this incident. Uh huh. 1.) It was never between you and them anyway. Go out and do things during those days, don't wallow. Honestly the only advice I have is to go for that beer with your friend, he seems to be the only one in the situation treating you decently. Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. Once you have accepted what you can't change, then you can move forward, either using gratitude or optimism to recover & reframe the situation. You definitely have every right to be upset and angry, but I honestly feel like she is telling you the truth, and they were just unfortunately things you werent supposed to hear. I mean if she can demean you in front of her friends there is absolutely no issue putting her in her place in front of them as well. How long have you been the butt of their homophobic jokes? No matter how much she tells you she really enjoys it, there will now always be that voice in your head that tells you she really doesn't. Who actually believes these? Why would she tell them that you enjoy pegging? Also, if shes lying to you about this, I feel absolutely certain that are other things you dont know. Seriously? Youd always be thinking if you can trust them enough to give them certain information about yourself. Tom hasn't been relevant for seven years. If she can apologize for those things and really work on not doing them in the future, I think I'd forgive her. I would DIE if my husband mocked me being bi like your wife did. I am so sorry. You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. It sounds like her friends are shit. If thats true then she needs to work on her confidence to be herself around her friends and nit be pressured to say things to sound cool. She probably just wants to belong and is afraid to stand up to, i am guessing here, to friends with stronger personalities. One day he throws a temper tantrum, and instead of talking with me about his insecurities, he goes off and tells everyone about it. It seems she reserves honesty for her friends. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Why would she tell them you enjoy costumes? Especially the two narrow minded ones, All these comments already have good points, I just wanna add that you should definitely take your time. My 2 cents is not worth much, but why did she not feel the need to tell you when she realized she let it slip from the drunken night? My mom was told me drunk words are sober thoughts. I suggest therapy for you for your feelings and how you want the relationship to proceed. Divorce is an option if you cant get past this but it deserves an effort. It just seems like shes ashamed of it an projecting. When my husband and I had been together for maybe a year, I went to my mom exactly once for advice. I have no idea how you will be able to have sex with her. That would be the end for me. She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. Yup. Your anger is justified, but breaking up your wonderful family over this is too much and a shame? But don't be shocked when prople know already. You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. Listen, Ive been a shit-faced alcoholic in my early 20s. She was shitfaced when she admitted your sexuality, was pressured to mock your sexuality by her terrible friends, and she didn't actually mean to completely fucking demean you sexually. Your wife probably didn't want to admit in front of her friends that she likes that you're into butt stuff and initiates most of the time. It sounds like you have a wife who loves you but is a social coward so afraid of opinions that she tried to hide that it ever happened in hopes no one would find out. Shes not doing bi stuff with you in bed, she was initiating sexual acts that exist in all relationships, not bi-dating-straight. Your wife hates that you're bi. Your wife acted poorly. It's terrible. To at least one person. She outed you. Its fucked up to add that to a conversation just to pile on and humiliate her own husband. Your other half should be your protector but it turns out she's the instigator of making fun out of your sexuality - which should only be discussed between the two of you. She's just shown you that you can't trust her with your sexuality. I'm not defending her actions. It sounds like they were encouraging your wife and Tom to connect. Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. I used to drink to black out, and not one time did I let slip the secrets I held for my friends and family. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. I got in my car and drove to my mom's house. Winston Churchill I wouldnt let her off the hook easily, but we all say and do some dumb stuff and I think she deserves a chance make it up to you and resolve the situation. I'm not sure what her motivation was with not being up front with you about all of this, especially the telling her friends of your sexuality. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. We were having drinks and girl talk, about sex, etc.. well he didnt like a few things he heard and got upset. She let slip things that suggests she views OP inferiorly. Do not let anybody minimize this either. She not only outed him, but this obviously wasn't the first time they've discussed this. I agree with this comment the most. Also she devolved some abusivo behaviour which, according to her was due to the lack of sex. How? I am not open about my sexuality. Anything she says in the moment right now can't be trusted because she'll do or say whatever it takes to keep you. I honestly don't know if your marriage can survive this. Best to you. Maybe you should ask him if that not problem why he upset. Thats the shittiest advice you could give someone. ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. It sucks. She needs to take responsibility for it and how it made you feel. This. I have one person I talk to sometimes about my gf. Lol, yup its amazing how scared people are to just be themselves. Will take her out to nice places, and buy her stuff. She brought her marriage outside where it shouldn't belong. Im in a similar, but much weirder, relationship (Im actually gay and married to a straight woman, we have an open marriage for our sex life, and a great family home life). Agreed! I'm conflicted because a lot of men talk about other women,wives,guys etc like that to seem tough and shit, but when a woman says it it makes it the end of the world? I'd be very hesitant about taking her words at face value. Then she said he has a really cute small dick, but tries to please. Do not make them feel you're different because you're not! Keep sleeping on it, brother. If so, I think you should try. First let me say your SO is the fucking worst in my humble opinion. These fake stories are starting to piss me off. She might actually be into the stuff you guys do but is pressured by her friends to be a shitty person. Seems to me that because of her indifference to your feelings, she needs to get rid of those friends because she emasculated you in front of them. I also pointed out that every single one of her relationships ended up being abusive so she had no right to tell me to leave my boyfriend when he'd never lay a finger on me. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. Does it not show a serious weakness in character that she bull shitted like that? You deserve so much better than this. If she isn't willing to do both of those things, then she is proving she doesn't value you enough, or is sorry enough for the damage she's caused, to be worth staying with. Saying that it was simply too small. Also sound out the wives who weren't judgemental and ask their opinions. The guys almost definitely do not give a fuck. Do good anyway. "Hey babe, sorry I shit-talk about you and betray your trust. The text of the post has been preserved below. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. What she did was so horrible. Im a masculine male with a bit of a cocky arrogance to me and I feel like all my confidence is gone. She did not need to provide more information. I couldnt believe it. 3) Gossiping about your private life and using it as entertainment for her friends is a huge betrayal. You know what Im talking about Im sure. Would she have thrown Tom under the bus like that to entertain her friends ignorance? If she truly loves you she is going to beat herself up for a while. Why was this in turn a secret kept from you? Maybe you could come around trusting her, but i wouldn't trust her friends. I am a closeted bi woman. we're both 28. Take a few more days. Standard Group Plc HQ Office, The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road. She is trying to write this shit off as a mistake. Wow dude. Trust is one of those things that simply cannot be regained when broken. The two judgmental homophobic friends have got to go. Right? If you can't own up to what you're doing in the bedroom, you aren't mature enough to be doing it. If you do want to try to stay with her then, at minimum, you need to insist on marriage counseling immediately and you also need to insist that she completely cut the two homophobic/judgmental friends out of her life. Im scrolling Reddit at night because its an escape from my own personal issues, so I might not be connecting some dots. My dad was bisexual and if I heard my mother saying shit like that about him Id be livid. With women like you out there in the world, why the fuck would anyone settle for less? If she does it again then it's a bigger issue but i'm sure this will be a big learning moment for her and you will both be in a better place for it. Your wife outed you. You seem like you are happy in your relationship (prior to this obviously) and wanting to find a way to work through this and I feel like a lot of counseling is the only way it could possibly happen. We never fight. i think you do need to consider the idea that it probably was indeed just girl talk, same as when guys just chat shit together. I dunno, this feels like a day time drama and not a real story! It's mainly drunk talk and a bit of peer pressure getting to your wife and she clearly regrets it We all make mistakes sometimes but this is how you grow as a couple! Therapy is what you need. Trust your gut, make the proper judgements, and most importantly bounce the fuck back. Add on the fact that her friends were telling her that Tom was in town - thats another reason she needs to drop the problematic friends. How I interpret you feel: she betrayed your trust, she shared your private life, and then made fun of it. Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. Im about to grab the beers and be on my way. When the bi thing slipped, she should have told you. Whats going to happen if your kids turn out to be not straight or not Cis? To her, you're the butt of the joke. As long as they're not being super stupid, 100% in public and then you tell them off in private. I think the problem here is not your wife not loving you or your sex life -- it sounds like she loves you very much and enjoys y'all's sex life. That is why we married each other. Not such perfect marriage after all. Accept yourself, just try to improve. I don't know why you'd even give it a B-. You took that better than I would have. But what usually happens when one partner doesnt respect the other is that it festers. If you want to save your marriage and restore trust some sort of therapy is probably necessary. Decide what you need to keep the relation ship going. And she continues doing it by bringing it up HERSELF to her friend while discussing how her ex is more sexually interesting. She is reacting the right way to this, in that she's clearly upset and remoresful for her actions. And can think clearly. Id also like to see those fun-o-phobes pack their bags and get out of your wifes life. I have also been outed in a similar way. i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. It sounds like you're discovering a side of your wife you didn't know about. The Geni has escaped from the bottle, as there's no chance of putting it back in, you need to deal with the humiliation that you feel in how it was told. You feel emasculated about something that's a part of you because you hide it Weirdly plenty of women like men who like men too. She values her homophobic friends' opinions more than your feelings. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. She pulled her friends into your marriage and made you the butt of a running joke. I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. How long has she been friends with them? Normally I'd say you have to share it but I'm not sure what that looks like. Sorry man, I feel like we all over share with our friends sometimes. 1. Life works in a whelm of duality. Best thing to do is give it some time. I could not imagine this type of betrayal and I hope you can find peace. Funny thing she thought it would cheer me up to tell absolutely fucking everyone, just to cheer me up. It's so important when you have a union of two souls to do everything you can to make sure that your love stays connected and flourishes. And regarding the "I let it slip while drunk" part, she's still responsible for her acts while drunk, and if she isn't she shouldn't be drinking. When the "friends" make their snide comments, she should be backing you up, not joining in. That is something you tell your partner immediately after it happens (same with exposing your sexuality to her friends). She sounds sorry and your marriage is great, so maybe dont listen too carefully to all the people telling you to get a divorce. Your refusal to do so speaks to your character. If this is a hurdle you feel like you cant get past, then work on it. Id say therapy but honestly no, she knows she fucked up and instead of standing up for you, let it happen. No matter how many close and loving moments you have with your wife from this point forward, in the back of your mind youre gonna remember how easily someone -who you thought you were on the same team with- can piss all over that idea in exchange for making a few girls go no way?! I'm wondering if your lack of fighting in your communication may be related to her not being open and honest with you as you are with her. Divorce. Bruuh this is too much for me I'm 52 yrs old, veteran, communications workers close to company retirement, whatever you do just enjoy life. You can't keep things like that a secret forever. Things that concern only you two she turn into an open truth and open truths she kept from you. If she does in fact really care about you - she will wait. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. Women get cold feet around marriage, but she decided to be with you. You need a therapist to help you process what you're feeling, you need to process that in your time and she needs to fucking wait for you to do it if she really cares about you. Also you say you feel emasculated. How disgusting can she be? Will you ever be able to "do the bi stuff" in bed with her again? I'm not sure how your marriage survives without professional help. If you think you can continue in a relationship with someone who is so nonchalantly willing to throw you, your feelings, and your whole person under the bus so easily, for what? So will she keep acting to her friends like she has a problem with it? Second communicate. It's human nature. 2) Your wife flat out lied about her grin and bear it attitude about your sex life regarding the "bi stuff" when she often initiates it. When I was married my ex-wife I had a problem with erectile distinction for a few months, due to massive stress at work. Shes hurt you, she needs to stand by you and say that shes proud of you and supports you, has no doubts, and enjoys it herself. The best part was, after a couple of months, everything was solved, tadalafile was no longer necessary, I find out she had a hookup during that period. I mean i think you can talk it out?? Wouldnt your wifes friend be able to identify you anyway from the story? Hows everything going out there? she asked motioning to the garage smiling nervously. Yeah, I'm a married woman. While true, sometimes people just want to fit in. Can you explain this because its giving homophobia, It could damage his reputation. If she did "accidentally" let it slip that you're bi, why did she continue talking with them about your sexuality in any context? Only one thing to do in this situation. You gotta fuck Tom. At the beginning of the marriage endometriosis and disparei is, we spent almost an year without sex, I was always by her side, left the work early, never even thought about hookups or relief with other women. He said if i wanna get together for a drink or whatever to let him know. Honestly I admire you had the balls to call her out in front of her friends and kick everyone out! Well he's not open about being bi so I'm pretty sure he does care about it. Or will she stand by him, tell her friends she is the one who was lying because she was afraid of their reactions, and own her shit? That's a lifetime story . Now's not the time to make decisions. I never said a word to anyone because I knew how bad she felt about that. Don't ruin your relationship because of this. At the very least there's some trust work that will need to be done to rebuild some things. You have an issue, address it. EVERYTHING she did was awful and she clearly knew that she messed up (more than once). But something you might ask her about. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. She should immediately be defending you if they're bigots and jerks about your sexuality. Finding this out, I personally dont know if I could get past it. That's something only he would and has already been judged for. She is the one that keeps bringing up your bisexuality to make herself look like the rise to her friends, so she's biphobic as fuck. Saying stupid stuff about your sex life aside, why are you talking about your sex life with your friends at all? I could never trust what to believe again. People aren't accepting where I live either. And had kids with you. Her voice was strained and raspy. Embarrassed..then it turned to rage. You have a couple of children and a good life up until now. What a surprise, all her excuses completely absolve her! But, she finally conceded maybe he was genuine. Hes outed now. Couple of things: I have a very close group of girlfriends. Fuck how you want to fuck. And if it was an accident, why did she give them details about what kinks you have? The women were all on the patio outside. She sounds like she cares way too much about what these women think. Im so sorry this happened. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house I sniped as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. Try marriage counseling and perhaps moving away for a new start. After reading this post, I was so shocked I seen this as the first comment but was also laughing badly. I hope you can work it out. I don't have anything else to say about it besides the fact that we're both happy with our sex life.". My mom wasnt even home, I had forgotten she was on vacation. This was betrayal. I haven't gotten through this personally, however, I would suggest marriage counseling if you stay with her. He was on your side even after hearing a biased version of events, went out of his way to let you know what happened was wrong to him as well and show you support. Plus she essentially participated or at the least validated, them ridiculing his sexuality. Yeah Id be pissed about the betrayal of trust. Also? Including mutual friends that were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts (and my ex totally knew about those things). That's so fucked man. Did she give me advice? Exactly! So much this. As a not entirely straight guy myself I would be pretty mortified to go through this. I dont get down with revenge fucks, but if I thought she was super malicious Id be behind that comment. From what Ive been told by friends and family my wife and Tom had a hot and cold volatile relationship and he was not the best to her (cheating, controlling). Hold on tight and never give up! Again this is a guess. Good luck and I do feel for you. Judging from what is written it seems that shes as much into it as he is, she needs to be real about that. Its not an easy solution. she can claim she doesnt mean it all she wants but that will not change the fact she said it and then didnt defend you when things got ugly. You don't want her or the kids hanging around with him. Doesn't really sound wonderful to me if she can out private details like that so easily. You have to try and think past this and think about her and the relationship as a whole. I am a firm believer that most things can be worked through. Although, bi men have it way worse. Only point I wanted to make: it doesnt have to be one or the other. she outed you, made cruel jokes about your guys sex life, and didnt shut down her friends for being homophobic/biphobic. It's time to contact a lawyer, bro. Then go for it. I probably wouldnt have. Very few people know so I was instantly fucking pissed because if they knew, its cause my wife told them. The fact that her mindset even thinks doing things like anal play are bi tells me she probably has some internalized homophobia she needs to deal with. That is a childish excuse, to blame alcohol for being a terrible friend and partner. No real worries there. That's just me, though. My conjecture is that she did so because of the above reasons basically to seem cool. She violated a boundary. How many people knew about it since she let it slip, considering she's telling the truth and it was only two years ago that she told somebody. The biggest thing in my mind is, she shouldn't be saying things to appease her friends because she thinks they'll judge her for being with you. But it sounds like maybe those are friends of hers she should reconsider her position with. Once your sexual history was out in the open and left you vulnerable to her girlfriends judgements, she decided to join in and talk shit about it and mention that she thinks of other men while pleasuring you since it turns her off. Your story is isn't as violent, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear. The Geni has escaped from the bottle, as there's no chance of putting it back in, you need to deal with the humiliation that you feel in how it was told. I was so suprised how she talked about me to her friends and family..and when I confronted her I had the evidence. You pave the way for us, and I appreciate you tons. Is she going to put them as well and claim she didnt mean it and that she was just drunk or gossiping? Exposing your sexuality and your sex life to her friends is a massive betrayal, but it has been covered by other quality comments. Don't rush the feels phase. Shes married to a bi man, and her idiot friends shouldnt have the power to make her feel bad about it. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. Even if it is a stay vacation somewhere near your home. Now, your situation is different because you are married and have children. Best of luck. She may end up escalating the situation. In this day and age? First up outing someone is never good an apology can be made for that but not the making you less than convo you heard. I will admit i dont tell my friends everything either, but if it comes up i wont join in and make fun of people who get made fun of for doing what i am into. They honestly seem jealous if they care that much about what you enjoy sexually. Personal details should remain private. How unattractive I feel. If Tom popped back into the picture at any point, Id have told my partner what happened. He is my best friend, and I would never make fun of him behind his back like that. Forgive them anyway. From everything, the most painful one was when exposition. You poor man, I so want to give you a hug. I was pooping and you helped me push from laughing so hard. Also arrange some couple counseling and talk it all through. Your marriage is between the two of you. Sorry bro, no words. He and I werent real close, but wed hang out here and there and always enjoyed one anothers company at get togethers and stuff. I wouldn't be able to think of anything else when having sex with her after hearing her criticize me. Well 1. You both need support and work towards creating a space where you both can be more honest with one another. NOBODY SHOULD TALK LIKE THAT ABOUT ANYONE. Im one of the long time married people commenting in this sub. My parents stayed together for my sister and I and I honestly wish they would have split a long time ago. My guess is that she was only sorry he caught her and she's been crying because she's about to become a divorced mom. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? Just here to let you know bi guys are preferable. Shes the one the initiates that kind of sex (pegging, butt play, d/s stuff.none of which is exclusive to bi men btw) most the time! But we hung on. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. Do those stupid things include degrading your bisexual SO to friends with homophobic views? Its just so cowardly and shows she's not on your team. I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was gonna break it. Another violation of your trust. Is the point of using your throwaway so she doesnt see your other post history? Juatt know that that is okay and it can take as long as it takes. This right here. This reeks of blatant disrespect, stupidity, ignorance, and bullshit. I told her she needed to answer everything I ask her honestly and she promised she would. If my bf were you, I'd imagine he would do the same exact thing. Then lots of hard conversations and a come to Jesus with your wife. IDK what it's like to be bi and married but I am sure it present some special problems/concerns with you and your status in your social circle. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. Things ended when Tom took a job across the country and my wife chose not to follow him. She and her boyfriend did it regularly. Which means wherever you gothere will be a little voice in the back of your mind wondering if people are judging you or talking shit about you behind your back, I'm not sure how you move forward in this situation but I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to, I would suggest individual therapy and couples counseling.as well as asking her to put some distance between her and the people she ran her mouth to. Sending you strength. Wife: (my name) I dunno what your heard but its not what, Me: (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard.. Emasculated. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. It's not cool she didn't. You are NOT overreacting. But Im not sure I know anyone who hasnt. But it needs to be on your terms. You were a running joke in your wife's friend group for two years. I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. Chin up man. Ban the girls from the house. And regarding the "I let it slip while drunk" part, she's still responsible for her acts while drunk. Or even a long drive. She was pretty happy discussing extremely intimate shit off the cuff in a group. Thats not someone you stay in a marriage with. Whatre you guys laughing about? I ask with a smile playing stupid. Also, the fact that she let her friends talk shit about him while she and OP are supposed to be in a happy marriage Damn, that says a lot. How would she feel, how would she react, etc. I could hear what they were saying and I heard one of her friends mention Tom. Very much agree with this person right here. They were talking about ex-boyfriends and how another mutual friend of them cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend because he was better in bed. And the fact that you're now married and settled down with a woman means you probably have a preference for women overman anyways it's 2021 dude closet doesn't have a lot of people left in it and, needing it to still feel manly is the ultimate problem here. OP, Ive never been in your shoes but I can empathize with flat out betrayal. Its one thing for the wife and her friends to be talking about you, but they were talking about you and laughing. My suggestion? Your wife doesn't have your back. She maybe deserves the benefit of the doubt. You must not lose faith in humanity. At the end of the day hets are gonna het, I'm really sorry man. People won't forget about it. ! for a few minutes. I think that you need a good week to try and think about how you feel, how you're going to be able to contain the gossip and how you move forward with the wife . This is a recipe that you can utilize to get through a tough circumstance or even a bad day. Posing with her Dutch-born man, the 29-year-old . Its amazing where friendship comes from in the darkest of times. I know from experience when you say Ill kinds of shit and they say whatever makes your friends happy or agree especially if youre drinking and they all laugh about it I believe your wife really does love you but she needs to stand up for you with your friends and those friends arent real friends so they have no business in your home do you need some serious counseling for your children sake. I have a key and texted her I needed to stay there for the night and she said of course without any questions asked. You and your wife decided to marry each other. Right I mean she volunteered stuff when she could have kept her mouth shut. Are you being a bit harsh? I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. So I would lean towards suggesting forgiving her and working on this. There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust with anything. The only thing I can think is that she didnt want you to worry or feel badly about itbut its an important thing I would want mentioned to me (an ex sniffing around and trying to get back together with my boyfriend). IMHO divorce would definitely be on the table. I have no advice but as a fellow bi, my condolences. Sounds like shes really sorry. OP can do better than Tom. Your wife betrayed your trust, and knowingly let her friends make homophobic comments. For the record, any intelligent person knows that there is no straight/gay/bi sex acts. Prepare to be known as 'that guy who is really sensitive about his sexuality". Your wife's unfortunate refusal to do the same speaks to her character too. All of us are who we are meant to be, at this particular time in our life. So how wonderful was their family while his wife is sharing secrets and laughing behind his back? She said she thought about him and thinks they were young and made stupid mistakes. I believe you'll deal with this and adapt. They are what they are and they are very real. She shouldn't be hiding things from you or telling people your personal stuff. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. First of all, I think we all say less than admirable things about our SOs at times. Go for a hike, go to a movie, whatever. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, by filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. Why does she feel the need to show off to her friends in a way that makes them think less of you? And can think clearly. Mahatma Gandhi Sorry bro, you got something thinking to do If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. This wasn't the first time - no one but him was shocked and all the friends knew it was safe to joke about. Im sorry dude but girlfriends have secrets and Im pretty sure that there are conversations youve had that youd be ashamed for your wife to have heard. It was a private part of your life that you trusted her with. Thats something she and you will have to work on because she shouldnt be embarrassed of it, but at the same time I kind of understand how she can buckle under the pressure of her friends opinions. See how it flushes out. It was over something dumb, but she's fucking nuts and didn't want me to date anybody. Imagine all the other crap she does drunk, only to blame it on being drunk . I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. I'd also put the missus on a yellow card and ask her to be more honest about the Tom thing; the fact he treated her badly and you're the opposite must be a good factor in staying together. I doubt your own friends would even care, they might tease you a little but thats what friends do. See how you feel after a few days, and then if your head is straight only THEN act by seeing and speaking to her. Your wives friends are just horrible little Voltures and spineless cowards, definitely go have that drink with your friend and have some time to just calm down and have a break from this shit show. At the very least, you need couple's counseling because it seems she has two very different worlds built up in her head when she talks with you versus her friends. I'm sorry you went through this. I could only imagine how crap you feel right now. This is probably something couples therapy can help you navigate. But there are definitely lines, and she crossed a big one. She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. Would she still have the friends over knowing how they feel? Or so that she wont identify you? My bf and I have been together not long 3 years but hes 33, I 27, and whenever there is even a shred of something that bugs either one of us we tell each other. I dont know what to do. She used your innermost private information (your sexuality) as fodder for gossip and jokes. he was more "passionate" etc. Let her know how betrayed you feel. She lied about your sexual taste 3. Right now is the time for your wife to stand by you. Has anyone gone through anything similar? If it was an accident, she should have come clean when it happened. So does she. Best of luck. She put you down at your own house. Cool off first of all. Honor every feeling, but don't become paralysed by them. If, she cannot part with them, I would part with her. I don't think you will recover from this. If that partner had outed me to anyone, I would have never been able to trust them again. She said she really felt bad when she realized she outed you, but I mean how sorry is she really if here she is bringing it up AGAIN? Any other friends you have in common likely know. You both need to get in front of a good counselors and dig in. Try distancing yourselves from these particular friends / connections until self estern / acceptance issues are resolved. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. I don't know what I'd do. My husband is also bi, and I would never mock his sexuality like that. Smoked. My phone was blowing up the whole time with calls and text from my wife and a few from our friends. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. I keep my composure as best I can and open the slider to the patio and poke my head out. She continued to ignore my boundary. Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. I'm not sure how to help you, but your wife needs better friends. No matter how stupid, stupid turnt I got, I would NEVER be in a state of mind to let such a personal, private thing slip out. They were together for 3 years. The mmmhmmm's give that away. She also needs to put her friends in their place or look for better friends. I told her I was uncomfortable with it. Ive never felt this upset. Unfortunately as long as there are homophobic people out there, there is potential to damage his reputation. Ok. A random guy you barely know has stuck more by you tonight than your own wife does on the regular. That's where your power is. You never speak about your wife in that manner so why do you have to put up with it. I suggest an open minded conversation. You are joke to your wife she have no respect for you at all. I was going to say something identical. Anyone that believes stay for the kids has literally never had any experience as a kid whos parents stayed for them. We have good jobs that the pandemic didnt effect too much. If I was you I would demand you get into couples therapy, and make absolutely clear that the trust you had in her is gone and it is going to take time for that trust to be rebuilt. She was prepared to throw you under the bus and make you the butt of a joke just to impress her friends? Youre delusional. I mean the "I overheard my wife say something upsetting about me to her friends" genre is a little played out. My late uncle had to watch his wife leave him on his sick bed because she couldn't bring herself so be seen that way, talking about "a whole me tending to a sick man, me I can't oh let his family do it ".. You can be pissed and hurt and angry for now and work on it. It sounds like she is uncomfortable with discussing issues with you that she thinks will upset you until she has to but by then the damage is already done. A DAD whose wife and kids stopped talking to him because he was covered in tattoos says he has no regrets. Give your best anyway. Viktor Frankl No. Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. Id be worried he was sleeping with his friends and Id be scared of what he asked me to do in the bedroom they all giggled.i was FLOORED. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. She does have a right to talk to you about it, and you with her. However you talk shit no doubt with your friends you would probably never want her to hearbwe can all be thoughtless assholes from time to time She chose you I'm not saying you overreacted must off been devastating to hear but it sounds like overall you guys have a good and loving relationship unless you are truly broken by this you need to talk and work out where you are now and whether this is repairable or not situation. Implying that OP's "flaw" as husband material is because he not 100% straight and slept with men is homophobic. But she also initiates in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea of her bullshit is false. Suggest you stay away for a bit and do some thinking about what you want and whether its possible for her to mend this damage and that you can accept her behavior and forgive her. You two will need some couples counselling after this incident, and some of what you will do in the future will be decided by if you can overcome a natural feeling of anger and resentment that you feel. You can't act if you don't know how you feel. Does she really think they dont laugh at her for doing bi things with you behind her back as well? For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. From one bi to another, I'm sorry you had to go through this, it's a bisexual's nightmare scenario to hear your long-term partner say this kind of shit. But you have every right to be angry. I'd be worried what she would do if one or both of their kids are bi or gay. Watch your back op!! There is now a before and an after in your marriage. For that reason I would agree that you guys should talk about, counseling, or like I said, you reconsidering the relationship. That's what's really completely messed up - she's been joking with pals behind his back for a couple years and never told him she had slipped up. I'm just saying people can be stupid. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. Frankly I would be more able to forgive infidelity than I would these kind of conversations. One of my wifes friends was fairly insistent about her divorcing me but honestly it came from a genuine place, its a weird situation and if you cant see how happy we are, I cant blame you for not getting it. Be honest anyway. Ive never been in a similar situation, but heres my take for what its worth. I didn't enforce it, I didn't like it and it made me feel similarly to you. Doesn't matter if she means it or not. Don't fight. i would like to add a partner should never ever make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). I can give you the exact number of people's secrets I have revealed while drunk Is fucking zero. I don't think she is disinterested in the guy, but I will say I don't tolerate that kind of weakness. Id almost go with divorce but with the kids, I sincerely hope counseling is able to help. Because I think going three-for-three on instances of convenient bullshit is, well, bullshit. Your wife needs some new friends. Third, it is really nobody's business if you are Bi, and nobody should care about it anyway. I am pretty much an open book with my partners. Now this doesnt mean shes a 100% shit person. What can you say or she say tomorrow? Why should he have to tell the whole world his sexuality? Its so stupid, Im sure shes great in all other aspects but she needs to stand up for you. It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. What drops it a full letter grade for me is that the protagonist is always an Abercrombie model. She immediately started apologizing and saying she loves me and it was drunk girl talk and she didnt mean anything. As a queer person, I would never feel comfortable being with someone biphobic or who is okay being friends with people who are biphobic. this sounds like a case of she only sorry she got caught. When we had problems of a sexual nature it made me feel worse that her friends who would constantly gossip amongst each other knew. Good luck! You can be understanding of her error, but she has to build up trust back with you. A Young Boy Hires Prostitute For One Hour 42:46. How could you ever trust this person again. Tell her that not another drop of alcohol is going to pass her lips from now on, it obviously addles her common sense. I was in a conversation with two other girls about anal sex. Beer runs out so I head inside to grab more. How would she feel if she overheard this? Wife: babe were you in the kit. I cut her off. All the sudden I didnt know my wife. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. Then the friend asked my wife if she had ever been tempted to cheat on me with (insert ex-boyfriend's name), to which my wife replied saying hell no, that she would never risk our marraige like that. Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. No. Part of thinks I should be able to accept her apology and shrug this off.maybe I overacting.but its all I can think about. She insulted your sexual performance 5. Women talk shit to each other just as much as men do. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. But she's obviously done it before - all her friends knew it was okay to discuss and laugh about while she joked about letting him do "gay" stuff while she fantasies about other men. We were chatting in my kitchen (we own a two family house) and her boyfriend was eavesdropping at the connecting door. I don't know where you should go from here. She blamed drinking for outing you in the beginning and now shes blaming it again in this situation. At a minimum she should have come clean about the bachelorette party thing the moment it happened. Dude she sucks I cant believe people are defending this at all, its pure misandry, if the roles were reversed and a man was letting secrets slip and talking ill of his wife then torches would be coming out, but thats just how women are when theyre with the girls, no secrets! Fuck all that haha, that is so disrespectful. Then throw in this scenario that she was bisexual and the "boys" called her a "butch lesbian who doesn't really like dick.". 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