They can avoid being alone by seducing others and offering them sex in exchange for company. You certainly get to choose how to live your life, and if you are not hurting anyone, then no one has a right to make any judgments on those choices. I thought my understanding of human behavior was like a shield against this kind of woman but failed miserably, she is an outstanding con artist, able to read and play my deepest desires at the beginning of the relationship and then use all this as a tool to abuse and take advantage of it. She WILL be honest with you and if you are not committed to recovery and growth, the feedback can be strong. And how much you decide to take from them is factored by your degree of natural co- dependency. The mental illness is characterized by emotional instability and periods of depression and anxiety . JT, in general they tend to be ruled by their emotions. Ive found that BPD emotions run extremely high, this is not a con game as you say, but a genuine attempt for you to find someone compatible, but like with me being the easy going guy whos a little peculiar I look for someone who initially seems to share my oddities or at least not fit into the mainstream norm. Later I saw borderline personality disorder and it was describing her. I never said a thing about her coat. The problem for you to find a lasting relationship is similar to the problem I have finding one, Im OCD, Im very protective over my possessions as they seem to be the only lasting thing besides my immediate family, I usually dont trust other women, and Im pretty care free, I dont take small things and turn them into big things. But its important to remember that these techniques do not heal BPD. I took care of all her needs, supported her as best as I could, fell in love and in the end was left devalued, hurt, and with no understanding of what really happened. The more I loved her, the less she wanted to be with me. I feel betrayed if the person who wrote this was a woman herself because this article makes it out to seem like the bpd woman is a hopeless terrible partner and person! Most people imagine that this kind of fear centers around the more obvious forms of betrayal such as infidelity or relationship abandonment. looking back at those i feel shared these BPD traits, i can say i think my portion was anywhere from 5 to 10 % of the problem, and im pretty quick to admit when im wrong i dont really care, i dont always have to be right. With the help of Rose she helped me escape a really unhealthy marriage, and exposed light into dark places that I and my family will forever be grateful for. I would send her flowers and she couldnt even send me a card on our anniversary. At any rate this is 100 percent doomed to fail in all cases. So it does feel very real and in a sense it is. Last year I freed myself from a 2-year relationship with a BPD woman. | Nicola, a question for you. Other times where she would think I was ignoring her, I was met with rage that you would expect from a 12 year old. I really appreciate your input. CPTSD, EUPD, & Borderline Personality Disorder recovery work is often painful and difficult. As I went through adolescence, these feelings got worse. Unstable relationships, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, unstable identity, substance abuse its all there., Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, mental health professionals have explained BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder in the Movies. In Part 2 of this blog series you are going to learn that there are very specific reasons why women with traits of borderline personality disorder seem to attract a certain type of man and why these men so often cant let go of these troubled relationships. Subscribe to PsyPost on YouTube to stay up-to-date on the latest developments in psychology and neuroscience, Borderline personality traits in attractive women and wealthy low attractive men are relatively favoured by the opposite sex, Mothers who feel unworthy of being loved have less supportive responses to child distress, Grandiose narcissists prefer careers in science and business, while vulnerable narcissists prefer arts and social fields, Review of 1,039 studies indicates exercise can be more effective than counselling or medication for depression, New research reveals the relationships between parental narcissism, scapegoating, and child psychological outcomes, People who are shorter and dissatisfied with their height have more dark personality traits, study finds, Male brains dont respond to images of infant faces like female brains do, study finds, Study finds heightened body esteem is linked to greater sexual harmony in newly-wed couples, Shame makes people living in poverty more supportive of authoritarianism, study finds, New study suggests the 2020 election increased alcohol use and decreased sleep. In either case, whether you are the person attracted to the emotionally unstable individual, or perhaps identify with that individual, the take home message is that personality and behaviour is ultimately purposeful and should be considered equal rather than attributing positive or negative values to different traits, Blanchard explained. She was raised in foster care, and subjected to sexual abuse as a child. There were many strange occasions where I felt she wants to control every aspect of my life like clothing, seeing my family, always wanted to pick me up from my work or meet up after work so we could go home together, despite we lived together at that time. Thanks. Thats a great question. The first step in deepening empathic ability is to become aware that there is always an emotional component, or subtext, to communication between people in intimate relationships. This statement would have been a subconscious tactic to get you to trust her. While the movie is humanizing in many respects,some have argued that it goes too far, romanticizing mental illness and equatingit with being cool but misunderstood. In apost on The Radical Notion, a clinical social worker wrote. I had the courage when we returned to end things as I was no longer willing to put up with her behaviour and I deserved a whole lot better. Would go back. Thats what a women with BPD needs so stop making us feel like we arent worthy of love because we are just as worthy as you and this ridiculous article along with these truly pathetic and non-factual comments are part of the reason this mental health illness exists. I understand that that is not healthy and that I am emotionally sick. stuff. Bibi. This is not a shared emotional experience. I try to use my DBT skills to regulate but some months Its very difficult esp when Im PMSing. Telling someone she knows that you think she has a mental condition could lead to a smear campaign, so it might be safest to let her old boyfriend research her problem on his own. I observe, like all pathologicals, *they are primarily guided by EXTREME self-interest* but this is dressed -up in their own particular way. 1-My High Conflict girlfriends new husband has a history of marrying High Conflict women (3 failed previous marriages to be exact). Just like there is a profile for the borderline personality type, there is also a profile for the kind of man that they often choose to partner with. But when I even approached this she would say dont devalue my thoughts and feelings. I think its progressed overtime. Even the times where we agreed to see each other (plans she made too), she would most often cancel those plans without even so much as a sorry. Whats also important about this particular depiction of BPD symptoms is that a male was the one experiencing them. She decided to attempt suicide. I know that if I was to ever cheat, he would be gone. The Child welfare ministry removed him from the home for what was supposed to be a 3 month period, during which he was to stay with a family from his church community. Marriage is an agreement to be on your partners side, to be fair and loyal. Why do I stay? Some would also argue that the word crazy is stigmatising in describing a person. To me it portrayed a side. I also maintain my appearance and provide a pleasant service. I certainly scared to date now. People who[struggle]with BPD have a tendency to fall quickly for people that show them even the slightest amount of attention and I think this movie hits the nail on the head. Is it just to convince themselves they were right to end it to avoid feeling guilt and shame? I have BPD, I have done things wrong. I eventually couldnt deny that she indeed has many, many traits of BPD. When she was successful at seduction she experienced a comforting, but fleeting, sense of well-being and control. 6-years-ago my 13-year marriage to a personal with BPD-traits ended. They only stop the defensive behaviors that women with traits of BPD engage in with their relationship partners and with family members, which is only one of many aspects of the condition. Is it just not being able to give up that control along with a fear of rejection? It ends in a way that leaves borderliners believing they truly are cons, and that no one will ever keep a relationship. What i do not realize is in fact how you are now not really much more well-liked than you may be now. I had no say. is there any evidence that people who come to acknowledge they have traits of BPD have a better outcome than those who dont? The heavy weight of the sadness for the damage I caused, makes it difficult to breath sometimes. From Borderline to Beautiful: Hope & Help for BPD with Rose Skeeters, MA, LPC, PN2. Just as those who learn physical self defense become less likely to be singled out, those who know emotional self-defense techniques will also seem less attractive to this type of woman. Thank god I didnt invest too much or else I would be heartbroken. Update time : I knew mine was a BPD waif (covert not raging / silent treatment and headgames as standard) but I was in dating mode (so all was under control). If you would like to learn the Nicola Method so you can put an end to the high conflict situations you may be experiencing, click on this link to the welcome page of this website where you will find the resources you need. The profiles varied in their level of facial attractiveness, psychopathic and borderline personality traits, and wealth. If your wife was vomiting all night from cancer chemo, yelling at you because of the terminal illness, would you feel the same and want to leave her? Mighty community member Kayla Z. said she related to amixture of the female characters in Silver Linings Playbook and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.. To this day my group and I still meet now in 2023 because of the impact Rose had on us. Ive been reading your well written & quite helpful blog for most of the afternoon & have found it quite insightful & useful. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a complex, multilayered condition that's as difficult to diagnose as it is to treat. Wherein a person becomes only bad in her eyes and there is no convincing her otherwise. She became increasingly agitated towards him, sometimes having physical altercations with him, and saying some very mean things to him. Despite all of this I still care for her very much, but she will officially have no one left. Wow. I dont think that was the intention, but it looked that way. Of course it didnt work out as you cant truly know someone after 6 months. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! Stuff better lerft for journaling or therapy. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to "having 'aural dyslexia,' in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.". So, should a nice guy such as me give up on such a relationship or should I learn these techniques really well and not worry about avoiding BPD partners too much? I thought my wife would change because at 30 years old I was her first boyfriend. We jst had a baby who is 2 months old now, & my BPD wife has a 9 yr old child whom ive been raising since we married. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. Unless a woman with traits of BPD learns how to include her intellectual processing center when processing experiences, she will continue to be able to block out reality. Theres no admitting that she needs help and has a problem, it would crush her. This would quickly give way to the merry-go-round, the fear of being left alone. Men give women a ring when they marry. Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support. How long should someone wait for his BPD partner to come around and have the ability (or choice as you say) to see positives when they are feeling down or mad or whatever word you want to use to describe their behavior? The spousal relationship is perhaps the most intimate of all. The self-loathing was not consistent. Possibly with a little research therapy and commitment to self help and self awareness she probably would be able to overcome the worst traits of her bpd and learn how tp amd actually BECOME the woman of her partners dreams..she really was all along she just needed help self commitment and love from a person who already saw her best potential self in the beginning to never give her up or give up on her like all the other scum bags from her past that did!! Whether theyre nice or not, the reason they stay is because they want the admiration the BPD provides them with when theyre in a good mood. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, is an illness that can make you struggle with your emotions. Is this really them just being an asshole to you? Its all she knows growing up in a household like she did. confusing explanations (in other places) .. Sincerely, Im a scientist and, if you dont mind me asking, how in the world did you get such a phenomenally accurate understanding of this? She has lied a lot and said she went doctors and he said nothing wrong!! Having a pattern of unstable relationships often characterized by idealizing or devaluing a person (also known as black and white thinking or splitting). She also has been diagnosed with Hashimoto thyroid disorder which on top of all of this leads to memory loss, depression, weight gain, mood swings etc. Her ego is so fragile and her sense of self is so delicate, she will do anything to protect it. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Many people only know BPD based on stereotypes, so its easy to question whether compassionate depictions of BPD and its symptoms exist in pop culture at all. I apparently had no idea about our relationship though she had maintained throughout that she had told him And he sounded like one more of those nice guys when he tried to console me after learning about our relationship and breakupHe said all girls are hard and she is one of themI gave him her number as that was what he wanted and we never spoke againI suppose he tried to patch up with her and may be they are in touch over phone (he stays in the US while her & me here in IndiaI have a few things to clear up though I also see a therapist to handle parenting challenges that we have esp for my ADHD son. Its a lot to handle. You will still need to work very hard on your own recovery, but your spouse does not need to suffer as well. She is so driven by her emotions. For the final time, I asked if a face to face was an issue. Thank you so much for your insight into BPD relationships. Your not worth the financial convienience We often argued about things like once i bought wrong shopping and she would shout and scream at me for really irrational things when I came home 30min later then planed for a diner whilst coming home from work etc. I know therapy is very expensive, but even if you can only afford a few sessions, it is essential you get professional guidance on how to navigate through this very difficult time. It isnt surprising knowing what she went through growing up with such dysfunctional parents. Im an evolutionary psychologist and my earlier research had examined adaptive characteristics of psychopathic traits and how they might be appealing in a romantic partner. But I am more than happy to answer any questions you have on your healing process by email. Thank u for the article it helps me understand its not me. And its absolutely unfair to make them feel pain as a result of my internal crap. The support of a patient, kind and knowledgeable partner who expects to be treated with respect helps a person practice these skills. Mighty community member @clarence picked up on this aspect of Wreck-It Ralphs character in the sequel, Ralph Breaks the Internet., While the discussion ofmental healthis not explicit, Ralph exhibits attachment issues to Venelope, she wrote of the movie. I want to believe that she can do better than this, but I am losing hope and it is taking its toll on me. If I hadnt already had a relationship with her, I would have been so flattered that this pretty girl thinks so highly of me. But whether or not Clem was written with this specifc diagnosis in mind, many with BPD relate to her. The woman with traits of BPD has a problem. I found her adoring, caring, attractive, and communicative Instead, the emotions are acted out, like in the examples above. Unplanned and unwanted pregnancies seem to be the a common theme regarding BPD and other impulsive people. A therapist who is familiar with personality disorders and parental alienation would probably be your best resource for how feasible this may be. And now that l figured out so much about her, would it b wise to tell and possibly help this guy? So its crucial that you stand your ground as best you can to protect your financial resources. They will try to change every aspect about you they dont like and sometimes will even admit their flaws but will never change for any length of time. Brett: Would you like to go out to dinner tonight? So what have you done? These opposites not only attract, they are so polarized that they stick together like magnets. But there is nothing like hearing Roses personal journey and the experiences of some of her clients to help make more sense of the situation and hopefully be able to be of more support and just a better friend. I can look back and see how I fell so in love with her. She even said its all my fault etc. We might say that she is using her partner because she is aware that she is pushing and pulling. You can use them during calm times: Thank you for helping with the kids. One of the main characters, who played the part of the one-night stand, then becomes full-on obsessed and infatuated with the married man she slept with once. Its the only media I feel [has] depicted my fear of abandonment and dependence on one individual.. I do have another question for youI want to know if you think there is anything I can do now to help her. In order to understand why so many nice-guy types stay in abusive relationships with women with traits of BPD we must first understand a second universal human frailty. Remember to spread the word that BPD/CPTSD/EUPD are all disorders that hurt, though that we can recover from with tenacity, patient endurance, and hard work! : ) : Most bizarre were her recent attempts to keep me engaged all while keeping me at distance?! The people who get stuck on woe is me, my partner the crazy BPD are truly the ones who will never change and take accountability for their own actions. She went on to tell me how wonderful I was about all of it the next day. So they know you want to stick around but dont if that makes any sense. If this recurring problem has really got you spooked, establishing a solid friendship before entering a relationship can also be helpful. He is perplexed by defense mechanisms that most people know how to watch out for. These individuals can and often do create real harm for a partner who leaves. In the DSM-5, symptoms of BPD include intense, unstable, and conflicted personal relationships. Jasmine: Yeah, you got what you wanted and then just rolled over and rolled away. Is there anything I can do to give you the space you need to study? As I began to develop an adult body, boys increasingly sought out my company. She has since defriended several other girlfriends in our social circle because they continue to talk to me. The reason these techniques are offered is because many women with these traits do not begin the devaluation phase until they are in a committed relationship or have a child with their partner. They rarely engage in these lapses. We talked a little about what to do going forward and she was actually the one to say we need to go slow. She would phone me up saying that I dont support her and am cold towards her. We have apologized to her for anything we did or did not do to meet her needs or caused her pain. I then simply called her out on all the things I hadnt managed to say face to face and left it at that. I have been married for 11 years and have two small children. Does she really feel, in the moment, the things she is saying, or is it a carefully planned manipulative scheme? I relented. .what I didnt discover till a month later is that she had been cheating for at least 6 months with multiplesshe finally admitted to cheating with one random she picked up after I presented evidence but Im sure there was another but didnt have evidence..3 months prior to break I caught her setting naked pics and bedroom secrets to an ex ,she was blind drunk at time so I called her up on it the next day.she denied any knowledge of having done it and when presented with the msg was not apologetic nor distressed she dismissed it as a drunken mistake and that was that..I tried to get her to open up as to why but she refused to discuss it further saying she loved me.. During last 2 years of Rs she became drunk at least weekly and hurled insults at me such as But If distant my self abit then she would question that abit so I just couldnt win atal. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. CPTSD, EUPD, & Borderline Personality Disorder recovery work is often painful and difficult. Herthought process begins to spiral and she ends up stalking this person. I have been baffled by this loved ones behavior many times. Were only a few months in, but so far, so good. She got both barrels from me earlier this week (via text) after she attempted a couple of silent treatments / broken promises to see if I would still bend to her will ! I meant in other blogs !!! That is a really great question. This lasted the entire ride home and for about 10 minutes after until she finally calmed her self down and exhausted herself. Psychological research should reach the everyday person in informing them about things that they are familiar with.. Are you aware of any good materials (books) that cover bpd in women, in detail? from confident funny and intelligent to dumb argumentative woman. This article perfectly explains my relationship to my wife in our very short marriage which has just ended in divorce. Do you provide therapy for women like me, maybe over phone? When my wife tells that she loves with every ounce of her being, she is speaking with total truth from her heart. Jasmine: You have no idea who I am. I agreed to get back together in hopes she changed. Ernie, although this comment seems to be in response to Shawn, I wanted to let you know that there are options for people whose partners have traits of BPD which are not severe enough to quality for diagnosis. From a mindset of BPD is my identity to this is a disorder I live with, but does not define me. You can do this by asking general questions, such as: Or you can do this indirectly by making inferences from vocal tone, body posture, and context, such as waking someone from sleep. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. The movie, which follows Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) and his affair with Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) a woman with BPD showsherstalking Gallagher and engaging in violentbehavior like boiling a pet rabbit. We both live in London UK. She has broken this contract, and as you said, niceness can only be stretched so far. And men and women who abuse their mates/spouses are not great people. The answer was no (but it would have to be after this Xmas weekend). She injected herself with an overdose of some medication she had been given for eczema. Honestly, as someone who was diagnosed with BPD, I identified with a few of the other characteristics of the other actors way more than Susanna. These are tough times for a nice guy to be in romantic relationship. JT, youre exactly right. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. How difficult it is to get a MALE doctor to listen to you instead of prescribing antidepressants? You will either find your way out of the drama one way or the other. Always the victim, its never your fault! I was constantly complained about being lazy, not doing anything around the house, not doing chores her way, not paying attention to her needs, not talking to her, not sharing, lying, being unfaithful. I didnt mind. I finally have told my wife that I can not take the behavior any more, and that if she will not participate in professional help and recognize that her actions and behaviors cant continue like this, then our marriage will end.
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