See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Its fire, not the moon! But he was so so charming, funny, intelligent, etc. When you hold grudges, it is not possible to heal your emotional pain. When I said I wouldnt be staying with her anymore, she laid it on thick about how I should forgive, that I wasnt Christian, that families forgive, etc. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Though I am far from being Christian, the Biblical reference to forgiving if and when the person shows true remorse and doesnt do the same thing over is appropriate. I was selfish. I replied just saying Its ok. Anyway, hope that helps, Rosie. Amen. It is constantly holding something over another persons head, not letting them recover from a past failure. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. Get Your Copy Now! Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. When we hold a grudge, we. Im not calling her again. I still get upset, but less frequently. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. . I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. I guess that sounds awful but its just me. I needed it today. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! You think. I guess Natalie would say let it go. I intend to have an amicable relationship with him, for their sake, but in my heart I do not forgive him for how he treated me. Revolution Christianity teaches that we DO need to forgive our enemies. Holding grudges is one of the top ways that people lose valuable relationships. She finally married her fourth husband and moved away and didnt contact us as often as she had. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. I couldnt seem to break free. All rights reserved. Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. If I read you right, this has to be said: PLEASE do not forget that the Big Bang nerdy new guy also has feelings and doesnt deserve to be strung along by a non-committed, emotionally unavailable, broken hearted (young?) Ready you should be celebrating! I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. I would take such advice with a grain of salt. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. You can't force someone to forgive you. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. In the end, I didnt go to the reunion. You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. The only reason he wants to contact you is to make HIMSELF feel better. No theological debates on here, God forbid. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges. Please buy it! *Meditate if you dont already. Running upto women and then checking them out, the slurs, even in jest.dont you remember how many times many of us are told oh lighten up its just a JOKE ? You speak your mind and I appreciate this about your posts. Unsubscribe at any time. Please be more discriminating in the future. You maintain your dignity with silence. I love this site, and you rock, ladies! i feel so upset, becasue i am lonely and frustrated without intimacy in my life, and its hard to move forward. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! Even if that doesnt apply to your pastor, I doubt he meant ex boyfriends. But if you feel like you need to (or want to) cancel plans with someone, you might want to reflect a bit more on the reason why. Take a minute. JBI Evidence Synthesis. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you, Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Maybe not forever, but for a season. Lol. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. Tinkerbell- I read your post yesterday, unsure how to reply as I havent been in your shoes. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. But that isn't always the case. The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! This has been my biggest weakness! I forced myself to have sex with him when I hated it, and it made me want to cry. Things ended with my ex-EUM almost eight months ago, but I still remember everything and thats been the hardest part. . ;)). Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. Its a matter of being able to forgive, but not forgetting. While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. He also conveniently forget to tell me that his old friend was coming to visit and the relationship is not platonic his words!!! shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. 100%. Stand up for what you believe in. Review/update the Good for you and your new found strength! re my son esp. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. Or unhealthy? I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. Thanks. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. Yes, a relationship that is inherently bad for you is like an addiction. I am genuinely sorry if I have upset you by my behaviour. It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. But we really need to forgive ourselves. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. I know you cant just switch off your memory and forget all the pain that was brought upon you, and as frustrating as that is, its a friendly reminder that I needed the pain in order to grow. Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. Vengeance- An action of revenge or payback. Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. There is a silver lining to everything. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Just wanted to clarify. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. grudge - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. I had both forgiven and forgotten. Thanks again, This happened to me second time he broke up with me. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. I followed him. So I couldnt. If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes. surprise surprise. and not actually to feel any better. Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. What a schmoe. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future. Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. No, I couldnt be lady in waiting and hoping to change my status from booty call to GF, so finally I decided to break unhealthy patternI miss them from time to time, but keep reminding myself what I actually gained from these experiences?! other information we have about you. Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. Or immature? I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. You hit the nail on the head. Hmmm. Meaning: You will do something harmful to her because . From our hearts. He has respected my wishes however I feel like I lost a friendship entirely different convo. Validation? teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% I dont like all the negative nasty thoughts I have pretty much all the time. Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. Narc with more baggage than an airport. My prayers for you continue. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep! I dont hold a grudge but by god I will no longer hit the reset button with this total dick head who I spent 5 years with, who has made this the most painful, long drawn out break up I have ever experienced in my life. Ive chosen to ignore it. We, too, forgive one another even if the other person didnt earn it. Grudges are toxic to relationships. I really have no feelings towards her at all. Were always so ready to call/txt the ex when we hear that word. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! I said Im sorry!) I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. When we met he said he wanted a life partner a serious relationship! Have you gone for therapy with someone who is trained to deal with people who grew up in narcissist homes? When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. But I had let my sister listen to it. You're holding a grudge! If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Thank you. February 28th, 2023. "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you," Kevon Owen, M.S., LPC, a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. I have told all my friends that I wanted to hear none of it, and would not be able to participate in common friendships- since I dont see him as my friend. The irony is that people who dont want you to remember are the most likely to use their own recollection of things to their advantage. Just clarifying my thoughts! In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). Why? Additionally, most individuals learn these habits as adolescents. I hope you feel better soon. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. Even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven again and again. My life had literally come to standstill and wasnt going anywhere, but it was only until things ended with him that I started building up my self-esteem and confidence to set myself goals and actually achieve them. THANK YOU! Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. MY goal now is to toughen up and understand that I have my own needs they are completely VALID and that I deserve to have them met either by myself or in the relationships I have at whatever level. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. YESSSSSSS!!!! Sign up for free, and stay up to date on research advancements, health tips and current health topics, like COVID-19, plus expertise on managing health. The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles you deserve the best! I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. You just gotta listen and watch. You won't forgive her. Then I decided that the bigger person would forgive except forgiveness wasnt really in my agenda. my mother has a massive part in enormous damage there too. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. "Now compare that to how much emotional reserve you have towards someone you feel wronged you. I knowtime heals all wounds. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. You might not always think that you're still upset with someone over a certain thing, but you very well could be. Ive been there. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. In: Integrative Medicine. Yeah, people pleasing. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. They can seem like two different states of mind. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. Took a few years mind. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. Do you think its healthy behavior? I do look back and think what the hell was I thinking but I no longer beat myself up over it, it it as it is and my daughter now sees her independant mum back. Appreciate you writing this. What is interesting is that those who really love you and care for you, do understand and support your decision, respect your need for NC and dont do stuff like inviting him to parties where you are coming. Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. Clearly this made me out to seem bitter/sour whatever to some..and I am bearing the brunt of it as far people who I thought were loyal friends were concerned. I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. In a word. Going back to the ex I guess isnt a total surprise ( though almost)- but never in a million years did I think he just would treat me like this. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. Ive been having insomnia looking for ways to go back to him. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. Keep telling yourself that. Yeah, right. This happened a few times several years ago. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. So need this. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. I got bored and stopped replying. It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! Done! Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. Ready you should be celebrating! I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! Talk to you soon. In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. Forgive yourself for going back, or staying in something that you knew wasnt right, for you. Can You Take a Hint? she should just walk away whenever he approaches. Mymble Exactly how I felt when I left the abusive ex, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. But I did. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. If this person being in my life only brought me pain, why would I go back when I can move forward? I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship. These Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family, Tian Dayton Quotes: Feeling Angry All The Time, Self Esteem Quote: Your Mental Illness Is Lying, 100 Tips For Growing Up My 20 Years of Recovery, What Is Resentment And Why You Have To Let It Go, 7 Ways To Overcome Addictions Destructive Conditioning, What Makes You Healthy High School Art / Media Contest 2023. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life. Its important that you listen to your gut. When we walk down the street hes always constantly commenting about how hot every woman we pass is and even runs up to some of them and gives them his number and asks them to meet up later (he does this at LEAST once every time we meet up) and then he looks at me and my shocked face and then laughs. If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, its okay to say no to this malarkey.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want is out now. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Thats indifference. I have had an experience with a narcissist similar to what you described (charmed me completely, was successful, I felt we were compatible) and when I stuck to my boundaries and ended it, breaking NC afterwards was one of my biggest regrets. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. After a few texts back and forth, much along the same lines as before, I realised that this time around the short and non committal texts were neither exciting nor interesting. Thanks again! Theyre either in or theyre out! I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. Fewer symptoms of depression. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. I dont really need my mother. This is an amazing light shed on what could become a problem for me. I like cheeseburgers, but I no longer eat them because theyre not good for me. After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre.
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