I cant quite tell from your letter if thats the real issue, and I dont think there is any answer to the weekend question that will prevent you from sometimes having to say no to things when the other person wants you to say yes. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). Him: Good. Funny Mom Quotes (and Sayings) Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. Him: Nothing at all? Im planning an event on Day, are you free? @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. What is the stuff?? So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. A party people pop quiz so to speak. Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. Absolutely! I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Am I? I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. Lets do it.). I think LW is unable to separate people doing something that they personally find annoying, and people intentionally trying to annoy them. Ive realized its very important for us. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? A question is not a legal summons, you can literally ignore it if you want! Sometimes this takes several rounds before everyone realizes theyve done their line but missed their cue. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? Thats where I am as well with my kid. Feeding a giraffe. Answer vaguely. They see how often constantly males can throw a tantrum about how theyre being bitches, where the males only complaint is, I asked her questions, and she refused to answer! That alone is enough for him to feel justified in escalating the threats, anger, violence. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). Give small truths. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. I dont know many people who issue we should hang out soon with the expectation that the recipient is then supposed to plan an event if they agree? Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. Situation #4: You have to say "no.". Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. Or why do I feel entitled to her presence and her company? I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? How are you? So nowadays Ill say something like Im probably going to do [X], but thats not urgent if you want to hang out instead! or I need to do [X] but I have time for a quick dinner if youre interested. (People who are not the boything get oh, Ive got laundry because theres almost nobody else Im willing to make same-day plans with. 21. 1. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. "Hi" or "Hello". Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. 14 "It was a riot! RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. after Ive made my piece clear. I think w/ friends, if youre open to the getting together, you can say, Were you thinking of trying to get together? in a hopeful tone. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. If you want to push them to just say why they want to know, ask. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! Call me. Does *your* phone not work? They were being blunt and probably didnt realize the pressure I felt to say yes to direct requests, and didnt understand why I felt hurt when, upon working up the courage to ask for something directly, it was turned down. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. The genered expectations in our family are much more of the women do the planning variety which can get super annoying when wed like to just go along for the ride every once in a while. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). Sorry, Im busy. Nothing special. Because shes a family member. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course. These people arent trying to gotcha! Its funny I dont even register the question How are you? (Ive lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to You alright? which, functionally, isnt that different. Thats just the question it looks like. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. How about you? Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? Oh, the usual, you? The bigger words you use, the better. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. I cringe sometimes because a lot of the send awkwardness back to sender! advice overlaps with the kind of thing he does and yeah, it costs him. Reply with 'Hey' Back. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. I think with the people I know it is fairly mutually asked for that reason. I think that with my previous friend group culture, a sorry, Im REALLY busy for the next few weeks gets taken personally as Im too busy to maintain our relationship, even though Im trying to, um, not be homeless? My blood pressure. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. That takes some skill. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun (huge smile) I told you that this is our private time and we will not be walking with you! You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. E- Enjoying. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. Example: What are you doing? Even when its not meant as a hostile act (merely as an exoticising one thats so cool/I used to want to travel there/is it true that people there do x) being othered never feels welcoming. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. Our college was selling cheap tickets for an outdoor ice skating event. Theres also Fine, thanks, and you? For example, when Sean Hayes started to sing "beautifully" on the show, Ellen said, "Ok, we have to take a break.". This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. And I have to say, my, Toss her out and let her adult, is in flat contradiction to my frequent assertion that successful launching has been economically tough for young adults for some time now. Its just a formulaic greeting. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. 1. Published on August 6, 2022. Im talking about the OMG, how can you feel that way?! These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! Here are 11 ways how to respond to what are you doing when your crush/partner asks: 01 "I'm just here thinking about you." This is a cute response that will let your crush/partner feel special because you're letting him/her know that he/she is on your mind. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. This might just be a difference in communication styles. - Casey Stengel 1. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! Ugh. That might be some of what LW is sensing in terms of it seems like you want to ask me but youre afraid: maybe for them, saying I would like to do X this weekend, can you come? is an invitation THEY would have a hard time refusing even if they didnt want to do it. Simply say something you're obviously not doing. But it needs to be a set rent, that can be codified and set down in a form you could use with any other adult, should the fancy take you. Why does it need taking care of?? Always? Now when he asks I say party like a rock star. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. It forces the manipulators to cough up some version of their agendas, and galvanizes the friends with vague plans into issuing an actual invitation. So I know what youre talking about. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? Especially since they explicitly mention friends, relatives, and people on dating sites. 4. Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). 3. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. 3. There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. Must say I kinda love your kids response. Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? I'll leave you to be the judge of when it's most appropriate, all . If you're taking a vacation and staying home, your clients or coworkers may still expect you to pop into the office and answer their emails. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. Him: Doing anything fun today? Them: What are you doing this weekend? But I have made a major effort to train myself to STATE WHAT I WANT first. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! Me: Working. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. I have trouble entertaining myself sometimes, I definitely dont want to try to entertain babies and pets. My Kid: No (shuts door) Hmm, just tried re-creating my original comment and thats not showing up either. Me: Fine, thanks. no one tries to rope me into something). A: I'm planning to just take it easy. However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. Dont do that to a friend. Do I think X is a fair thing to insist upon? Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. I would think that any event for which one needs to book a venue and/or hire a caterer would also be the sort of event to which one sends some sort of formal invitation, which is not really the case for the situations the LW describes. Your kids are loud. I've Tried, but No One Listens Hopefully Not as Good as I'll Ever Be If I Was Any Better, Vitamins Would Be Taking Me Okay. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free.
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